The Battle is Over

"Lay down your sword; the battle is over."

That’s what the Lord told me two weeks ago.

Which battle? Well, actually, a battle I didn’t realize I was still fighting. You know that post I wrote in September entitled An Encounter With Grief. Yeah, it’s that battle. (Long time ago, no?)

One of the most surprising things about this battle is how long I have been fighting it and not even been aware that it has been lingering. It has gotten easier since that original post. Significantly easier. Over time. But it’s hung on until now.

With a new year and a new job in a new country, I thought the old was gone. I will admit that I have had some hard days in the past four months, days that, just out of the blue I would feel more melancholy and on the verge of tears (some unexpectedly escaping at times). Despite the seemingly random days that were slightly more difficult, however, I thought I was finished with this fight. I didn't even realize, though, that I was still on the battlefield.

I have been standing here almost a year, which I know is nothing compared to the amount of time others spend with their monsters in the arena, but when you don’t know you’re still there, you don’t expect to have to keep your sword poised to fight. For me, I lowered my arm several times and started to walk away, tired and thinking I was done. But the monster kept coming back, weakened but still waging war. And every time, I was surprised. I had expected him to fall over, to give up, to quit. However, it wasn’t until the day after Easter that he finally did.

And now? Now I have wounds to tend to, healing that still needs to take place, some minor scratches, some deeper gashes that I recognize will take more time to heal. Fortunately, my Physician is the Repairer of Broken Things and He can, and I believe will, touch my heart and bring the healing and restoration that I need. But He has declared that my battle is finished, and that is the best news I could possibly receive. I will take the time I need to allow my heart to heal; I will have grace for myself in the process (because it is a process!). And even though it’s possible that a piece of my heart will always be missing, I take pride in the fact that I loved deeply (deeper than I was aware) and I have the scars to prove it.

My current theme song: Sweet Surrender by Philippa Hannah

 "So I'll wear my scars with pride

It reminds me I survived"

 

His Favorite One

I am God's favorite.

And so are you.

In John 14, the apostle quotes Jesus as saying, "As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you," which means that Jesus loves us with the same love that the Father has for Him. There is no higher love than this. And He loves each of us this way. Which means, we are each His favorite.

So go on and celebrate, because YOU are His favorite!

You know, He really likes you. Yes, He loves you, but He really enjoys you too. He created each of us uniquely, and He gave each of us individual personalities, no two of which are alike. You are special (no air quotes added!). You are the apple of His eye. His desire is for you! And even in your immaturity and your weakness, He still likes you. He still enjoys you. He knows absolutely everything about you, all your character flaws, all your little secrets, all your bad habits, all your past, present and future sins, and He still wants to be with you! And actually, grabbing hold of that revelation can transform the way that you think about Him and change the way you relate to Him.

But there is something else that has hit me recently which is beginning to alter my perspective of others, and that is that this person I am talking to, this person who is standing in front of me, this person who keeps calling me even though I don't really want to speak to them, this person whose personality absolutely annoys me, this person who has really hurt me, this person who (fill in the blank), is His favorite one. He really loves this person. He made them unique. They are the apple of His eye. His desire is for them. Yes, they have weaknesses, character flaws, secrets, bad habits, sins, etc. as well, but He LOVES them with an everlasting love and He GAVE the life of His Son for them. And that revelation changes the way that I see them and therefore the way I interact with them.

In the parable of the Pearl of Great Price Jesus likens the Kingdom of Heaven to a merchant seeking beautiful pearls, who, when he had found one pearl of great price, went and sold all that he had and bought it. That pearl of great price is you. But it is also that other person, that person whose laughter grates on your nerves, that person you keep avoiding, that person who continually asks you to do things for them, that person whose name you cannot even mention because of the pain it causes. Yeah, it's that person as well.

So if He loves them this way, if Jesus loves this person with the same love the Father has for Jesus, and we take hold of that revelation, what should our response be? How are we supposed to love them? If we look at this person and say to ourselves, "This is God's favorite one" (because that is what He thinks of them!) it should certainly affect our attitude towards them and change what we think of them and how we behave towards them. To look at others through the lens of the love of Jesus, the same love the Father has for Him, will, if we let it, undoubtedly alter how we see each other and how we treat each other, and we will begin to grow closer to the reality of showing that we are His disciples because we love one another.

WWHHYY

I just returned from a road trip on which I spent 24 hours driving. I didn't mind. Solitary road trips give me time to talk to my Jesus, hear His voice and allow Him to minister to my soul with very few interruptions.

When I drive, I am oddly aware of license plates, signs, billboards--I read everything, and I notice a lot. This time, as I returned from my trip there were two things that stuck out to me more than anything else, two things I believe the Lord used to encourage me. The first one was a license plate that read "WWHHYY" and the second was Orion.

Sundown came at about 5:30pm, so for three hours I drove east on I64 with the constellation of Orion directly in front of me. This has always been my favorite constellation, probably because for me it is the easiest to recognize. But this night the Lord used it to remind me of His words to Job.

Essentially, Job spends most of his time lamenting his sorrows and asking the Lord why this affliction has come upon him, and his amazing friends provide really encouraging answers [insert sound of derision here]. And in chapters 38 & 39 the Lord finally answers Job, beginning with the words, "Where were you...?" The Lord spends two chapters asking Job questions in answer to his main question (Interesting, Jesus often answered questions with questions...)Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Who determined its measurements? Have you commanded the morning? Have the gates of death been revealed to you? Have you entered the treasury of snow? Can you bind the cluster of the Pleiades, or loose the belt of Orion?

I think the Lord proves His point, and quite effectually at that, that He is I AM. He is almighty. He is the Creator of the Universe. He is omnipotent. He is from everlasting to everlasting. He is the ruler over all.

He is not flippantly or meanly dismissing Job here. He is not saying, "I am so big and powerful I don't have to answer you, you tiny, weak, pathetic thing." He is not saying, "Look at all I've done, how dare you question Me?" He is reminding Job of who He is (as well as who Job is not), reassuring him that He is all-powerful, He is in control and He knows exactly what He is doing.

In any "why" question we might present to Him--why did I go through this, why did You allow that to happen, why did I have to suffer this, why do I feel alone, abandoned, rejected, hated, why am I in this situation--we can rest assured that He is in control. And if we know Him, we know that He is good and that He works all things for good for those who love Him and who are called according to His purposes. So we can trust Him, even in the haze and confusion of not understanding why.

Several years ago I heard a prophet say that the Lord doesn't answer the question "Why?" and I think he was both right and wrong. Perhaps He might not explain His specific reasons, but I think everything He does and allows is for His glory. If He gives no other answer for "why?", that is enough. It's for His glory. Because this life is all about Him.

Contentment

 

At this Christmas time, I am realizing more and more the truth of what the Lord spoke to me earlier in this year: Contentment is found in gratitude. 

 
Months ago, when I realized I would still be in the US for Christmas, I began dreading the thought. I did not want to be here at the time and I certainly did not want to celebrate Christmas here, especially after the magical Christmas I had last year in the UK. But as it has approached and now that it’s here, I am incredibly thankful and so much more content than I ever thought I would be at this time. There is nowhere else I would rather be right now.

I realized somewhere along the way that I have a choice. I can be miserable thinking about what I wish I had and don’t, or I can thank the Lord for all that He has given me and be content. Well, I don’t want to be miserable. I am tired of thinking about all that I have lost. I want to appreciate what I have. So I choose to give thanks. A grateful heart prepares the way, that’s how it goes, isn’t it? Enter His gates with thanksgiving. Well, I have so much to be thankful for. As I think of all He has done for me, all He has given me, I realize that the blessings of the Lord really are overwhelming, and the Psalmist was right as he wrote that He daily loads us with benefits.

I will admit that sometimes I need help seeing those benefits and thanking Him for them, but in these days, I see. At this Christmas time, I have discovered that gratitude leads to contentment. As we thank Him for the gifts He has richly bestowed upon us, we are given another gift. As we respond in thanksgiving to Him, He pours out more, and contentment comes.

Not My Will Part III

(Continuation from Not My Will Parts I & II)

Yes, I said it. As we accept His will for our lives, blessings lie just on the other side...but on the other side of what? 

On the other side of the Valley of Baca (Psalm 84).

The finish line lies on the other side of the Valley of Weeping.

This, and this alone, is the road to Zion, the road that takes us Home, and there is no other way to reach the End, which is the true Beginning, but through the valley.

Psalm 84: Blessed is the man whose strength is in You, whose heart is set on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca, they make it a spring; the rain also covers it with pools. They go from strength to strength; each one appears before God in Zion.

We are on a journey, a pilgrimage, as the Psalmist wrote, and the journey most definitely includes trials and tribulations, offenses and afflictions, pain and sorrow.

Sometimes I feel like, rather than going from strength to strength, I’m going from brokenness to brokenness. And it doesn’t matter how much I dislike that fact (and believe me, I don't like it!), this is the road I am on, His road, the Highway of Holiness, the Ancient Path, the road He has presented to me and the road that I have chosen, a road on which I cannot side-step the pain or thwart the affliction. This is His road, and I must embrace everything He has for me on it, brokenness and all.

Why? Because I have said “yes” to Him, and I have come to realize that this is His process. It is the pattern of this life that He has created. It is how He molds us and shapes us. It is how He prepares us for the plans He has for us, for the good works He has ordained for us to do. It is how He makes us fit for Heaven.

So, I have chosen to say “yes” to His will and keep traveling down this road He has marked out for me, embracing each challenge as it comes, which might mean limping from one mile-marker to another.

Obviously, I could have said “no.” And at any point I could put my head down, avoid His gaze and decide I am going to make my own decisions. I could refuse to accept His will for my life and take a different road, go where I want to go, do what I want to do--what feels good, what I think would make me happy. Yeah, I could do that. The problem is, that road doesn’t go through the narrow gate, and that road most certainly does not lead to Zion.

No, it’s the hard road, the road that goes through the Valley of Baca, the path that descends into the Valley of Death to self, that leads to Zion. There is no other way to get there but to travel this road, to say “no” to self and “yes” to Him, declaring over and over and over again, through the brokenness, through the pain, through the affliction, through the suffering, “Not my will, but Yours.”

And His promise in the midst of it all is His Holy Spirit, the Comforter, His presence. He promises to be with us, to walk with us, to carry us when we cannot even limp the remaining distance. He enables us to travel the road, to embrace the challenge, to die to self, helping us up onto the altar of Romans 12:1 and purifying us through the fire. His desire is to refine us until we look like Him, and if we will surrender to Him, He will do the work. Our part is simply to say “yes." To say "yes," and keep walking.

Not My Will Part II

The more I think about my previous post, the more and more frustrated I become. I am so proud of my beautiful friend who has said to the Lord in this situation, “Not my will, but Yours be done,” but what frustrates me is that I should not be amazed as I watch my Christian friends lay down their lives because they want the Lord’s will for their life more than their own will. Because this should be commonplace. This should be the norm.

 As Christians, this is what we sign up for—death to self, taking up our cross and following in the footsteps of Jesus, the One who laid down His life to do the will of His Father in Heaven. This is life in the Way. When we say “Yes,” to Jesus, we are proclaiming Him our Lord, which means He is our Boss. We are not our own masters. He has bought us at a price. He shed His blood as payment, purchasing us for God, which means we no longer belong to ourselves. But yet, we live as though we do. We make decisions based on what we want, on what feels good to us, on what we believe will make us happy, and that often leads to negative, if not disastrous, ends.

Of course, no one wants to deny themselves; no one enjoys doing this. It’s uncomfortable, it’s painful, it doesn’t feel good, it’s contrary to our nature. But this is what we are called to. This is the narrow gate through which we are called. This is basic Christianity.

And this is the challenge, for myself and for the rest of the Kingdom—will we truly embrace the Christian life and do what we have been both commanded and invited to do? Yes, commanded and invited—commanded because it is what He wants and what He has told us to do, and invited because He knows that living according to the Word of the Lord is a powerful blessing for us; it is the best way to live. So will we embrace it? We know it’s hard. That’s why it’s the narrow gate that so few walk through. But will we rise to the occasion and tackle the challenge? Can we stop before we make decisions, before we enter into anything, and ask Him what He wants, what He desires, what His best is for our lives and then be obedient to His response? If the answer is no, well, maybe a bit of re-thinking is in order. If the answer is yes, blessings lie just on the other side...

Not My Will

I have a new hero. I met her earlier this year and immediately was jealous of her. I knew from the minute I saw her that she would be amazing. And of course I was right. She is beautiful, intelligent, funny, adventurous, talented, loves Jesus and is a great friend. But what amazes me most about her is that over the past several months I have watched her say "no" to something I know she wanted because she wanted the will of the Lord for her life more, and that is, I believe, one of the hardest things to do in this life. There was something that she wanted, and could very easily have had, but before diving into it, she stopped and decided to pray, asking the Lord what His heart for her was. At this point, she is now experiencing loss, not receiving what she wanted (and even losing the valued bit that she had). However, she continues to look to the Lord. She believes (and rightly so!) that what He has for her is better than what she wanted for herself. But her heart is still broken, and she continues to grieve her loss.

This is what amazes me. This is what I strive for. This is my desire for myself and for everyone else. And this is what I believe the Lord wants. Not that we would never be happy or have what we want, but that we would say, just as He said in the garden, "Not my will, but Yours be done." This is what pleases Him. It may very well break our hearts, but it is in the brokenness that He comes to us and shows us who He is. This is where depth and strength come from. This is where character is made, and from that springs hope, the anchor of the soul.