WWHHYY

I just returned from a road trip on which I spent 24 hours driving. I didn't mind. Solitary road trips give me time to talk to my Jesus, hear His voice and allow Him to minister to my soul with very few interruptions.

When I drive, I am oddly aware of license plates, signs, billboards--I read everything, and I notice a lot. This time, as I returned from my trip there were two things that stuck out to me more than anything else, two things I believe the Lord used to encourage me. The first one was a license plate that read "WWHHYY" and the second was Orion.

Sundown came at about 5:30pm, so for three hours I drove east on I64 with the constellation of Orion directly in front of me. This has always been my favorite constellation, probably because for me it is the easiest to recognize. But this night the Lord used it to remind me of His words to Job.

Essentially, Job spends most of his time lamenting his sorrows and asking the Lord why this affliction has come upon him, and his amazing friends provide really encouraging answers [insert sound of derision here]. And in chapters 38 & 39 the Lord finally answers Job, beginning with the words, "Where were you...?" The Lord spends two chapters asking Job questions in answer to his main question (Interesting, Jesus often answered questions with questions...)Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Who determined its measurements? Have you commanded the morning? Have the gates of death been revealed to you? Have you entered the treasury of snow? Can you bind the cluster of the Pleiades, or loose the belt of Orion?

I think the Lord proves His point, and quite effectually at that, that He is I AM. He is almighty. He is the Creator of the Universe. He is omnipotent. He is from everlasting to everlasting. He is the ruler over all.

He is not flippantly or meanly dismissing Job here. He is not saying, "I am so big and powerful I don't have to answer you, you tiny, weak, pathetic thing." He is not saying, "Look at all I've done, how dare you question Me?" He is reminding Job of who He is (as well as who Job is not), reassuring him that He is all-powerful, He is in control and He knows exactly what He is doing.

In any "why" question we might present to Him--why did I go through this, why did You allow that to happen, why did I have to suffer this, why do I feel alone, abandoned, rejected, hated, why am I in this situation--we can rest assured that He is in control. And if we know Him, we know that He is good and that He works all things for good for those who love Him and who are called according to His purposes. So we can trust Him, even in the haze and confusion of not understanding why.

Several years ago I heard a prophet say that the Lord doesn't answer the question "Why?" and I think he was both right and wrong. Perhaps He might not explain His specific reasons, but I think everything He does and allows is for His glory. If He gives no other answer for "why?", that is enough. It's for His glory. Because this life is all about Him.

Contentment

 

At this Christmas time, I am realizing more and more the truth of what the Lord spoke to me earlier in this year: Contentment is found in gratitude. 

 
Months ago, when I realized I would still be in the US for Christmas, I began dreading the thought. I did not want to be here at the time and I certainly did not want to celebrate Christmas here, especially after the magical Christmas I had last year in the UK. But as it has approached and now that it’s here, I am incredibly thankful and so much more content than I ever thought I would be at this time. There is nowhere else I would rather be right now.

I realized somewhere along the way that I have a choice. I can be miserable thinking about what I wish I had and don’t, or I can thank the Lord for all that He has given me and be content. Well, I don’t want to be miserable. I am tired of thinking about all that I have lost. I want to appreciate what I have. So I choose to give thanks. A grateful heart prepares the way, that’s how it goes, isn’t it? Enter His gates with thanksgiving. Well, I have so much to be thankful for. As I think of all He has done for me, all He has given me, I realize that the blessings of the Lord really are overwhelming, and the Psalmist was right as he wrote that He daily loads us with benefits.

I will admit that sometimes I need help seeing those benefits and thanking Him for them, but in these days, I see. At this Christmas time, I have discovered that gratitude leads to contentment. As we thank Him for the gifts He has richly bestowed upon us, we are given another gift. As we respond in thanksgiving to Him, He pours out more, and contentment comes.

Not My Will Part III

(Continuation from Not My Will Parts I & II)

Yes, I said it. As we accept His will for our lives, blessings lie just on the other side...but on the other side of what? 

On the other side of the Valley of Baca (Psalm 84).

The finish line lies on the other side of the Valley of Weeping.

This, and this alone, is the road to Zion, the road that takes us Home, and there is no other way to reach the End, which is the true Beginning, but through the valley.

Psalm 84: Blessed is the man whose strength is in You, whose heart is set on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca, they make it a spring; the rain also covers it with pools. They go from strength to strength; each one appears before God in Zion.

We are on a journey, a pilgrimage, as the Psalmist wrote, and the journey most definitely includes trials and tribulations, offenses and afflictions, pain and sorrow.

Sometimes I feel like, rather than going from strength to strength, I’m going from brokenness to brokenness. And it doesn’t matter how much I dislike that fact (and believe me, I don't like it!), this is the road I am on, His road, the Highway of Holiness, the Ancient Path, the road He has presented to me and the road that I have chosen, a road on which I cannot side-step the pain or thwart the affliction. This is His road, and I must embrace everything He has for me on it, brokenness and all.

Why? Because I have said “yes” to Him, and I have come to realize that this is His process. It is the pattern of this life that He has created. It is how He molds us and shapes us. It is how He prepares us for the plans He has for us, for the good works He has ordained for us to do. It is how He makes us fit for Heaven.

So, I have chosen to say “yes” to His will and keep traveling down this road He has marked out for me, embracing each challenge as it comes, which might mean limping from one mile-marker to another.

Obviously, I could have said “no.” And at any point I could put my head down, avoid His gaze and decide I am going to make my own decisions. I could refuse to accept His will for my life and take a different road, go where I want to go, do what I want to do--what feels good, what I think would make me happy. Yeah, I could do that. The problem is, that road doesn’t go through the narrow gate, and that road most certainly does not lead to Zion.

No, it’s the hard road, the road that goes through the Valley of Baca, the path that descends into the Valley of Death to self, that leads to Zion. There is no other way to get there but to travel this road, to say “no” to self and “yes” to Him, declaring over and over and over again, through the brokenness, through the pain, through the affliction, through the suffering, “Not my will, but Yours.”

And His promise in the midst of it all is His Holy Spirit, the Comforter, His presence. He promises to be with us, to walk with us, to carry us when we cannot even limp the remaining distance. He enables us to travel the road, to embrace the challenge, to die to self, helping us up onto the altar of Romans 12:1 and purifying us through the fire. His desire is to refine us until we look like Him, and if we will surrender to Him, He will do the work. Our part is simply to say “yes." To say "yes," and keep walking.

Not My Will Part II

The more I think about my previous post, the more and more frustrated I become. I am so proud of my beautiful friend who has said to the Lord in this situation, “Not my will, but Yours be done,” but what frustrates me is that I should not be amazed as I watch my Christian friends lay down their lives because they want the Lord’s will for their life more than their own will. Because this should be commonplace. This should be the norm.

 As Christians, this is what we sign up for—death to self, taking up our cross and following in the footsteps of Jesus, the One who laid down His life to do the will of His Father in Heaven. This is life in the Way. When we say “Yes,” to Jesus, we are proclaiming Him our Lord, which means He is our Boss. We are not our own masters. He has bought us at a price. He shed His blood as payment, purchasing us for God, which means we no longer belong to ourselves. But yet, we live as though we do. We make decisions based on what we want, on what feels good to us, on what we believe will make us happy, and that often leads to negative, if not disastrous, ends.

Of course, no one wants to deny themselves; no one enjoys doing this. It’s uncomfortable, it’s painful, it doesn’t feel good, it’s contrary to our nature. But this is what we are called to. This is the narrow gate through which we are called. This is basic Christianity.

And this is the challenge, for myself and for the rest of the Kingdom—will we truly embrace the Christian life and do what we have been both commanded and invited to do? Yes, commanded and invited—commanded because it is what He wants and what He has told us to do, and invited because He knows that living according to the Word of the Lord is a powerful blessing for us; it is the best way to live. So will we embrace it? We know it’s hard. That’s why it’s the narrow gate that so few walk through. But will we rise to the occasion and tackle the challenge? Can we stop before we make decisions, before we enter into anything, and ask Him what He wants, what He desires, what His best is for our lives and then be obedient to His response? If the answer is no, well, maybe a bit of re-thinking is in order. If the answer is yes, blessings lie just on the other side...

Not My Will

I have a new hero. I met her earlier this year and immediately was jealous of her. I knew from the minute I saw her that she would be amazing. And of course I was right. She is beautiful, intelligent, funny, adventurous, talented, loves Jesus and is a great friend. But what amazes me most about her is that over the past several months I have watched her say "no" to something I know she wanted because she wanted the will of the Lord for her life more, and that is, I believe, one of the hardest things to do in this life. There was something that she wanted, and could very easily have had, but before diving into it, she stopped and decided to pray, asking the Lord what His heart for her was. At this point, she is now experiencing loss, not receiving what she wanted (and even losing the valued bit that she had). However, she continues to look to the Lord. She believes (and rightly so!) that what He has for her is better than what she wanted for herself. But her heart is still broken, and she continues to grieve her loss.

This is what amazes me. This is what I strive for. This is my desire for myself and for everyone else. And this is what I believe the Lord wants. Not that we would never be happy or have what we want, but that we would say, just as He said in the garden, "Not my will, but Yours be done." This is what pleases Him. It may very well break our hearts, but it is in the brokenness that He comes to us and shows us who He is. This is where depth and strength come from. This is where character is made, and from that springs hope, the anchor of the soul. 

The Other Faces

Speaking of the Day I see His face, lately I've been thinking about the other faces I will see on that Day as well. Don't get me wrong, if it was just the face of Jesus, I would be completely elated for eternity. But there will be other faces too.

One of the greatest things about being part of the Kingdom is that you never really have to say goodbye to those who are also accepted in the Beloved. And that makes me oh-so-happy. I have had some amazing international experiences with people I may very well never see again this side of Heaven. I think most of us have special friends in our past we know we probably won't see again in this lifetime. But there is hope for the future. There are faces I want to see on that Day. I imagine a line of people, obviously Jesus is first and His radiant face will probably be impossible for me to tear my gaze from, but behind Him, there will be others. And there are certain faces I absolutely expect to see. There are people I want to see and be with and spend time with so much, and even if I only ever see them on the flip side, I want them to be there. I expect them to be there. And sometimes I even say to the Lord, "Make sure this person gets there."

Because I miss them. Because they played a special part in my life. Because, for whatever reason, the Holy Spirit saw fit to put me in their lives and to put them in my life and now that they're gone, pieces of my heart are gone as well. But not forever. No, on that Day, on the Day I look full in His wonderful face, I will also see theirs again, and the time, the distance, the pain of separation will be as nothing. After all, we will have eternity together, and that is my hope.

Vulnerability

To write well, I think vulnerability is required, at least if one wants to write effectively, to make an impact, to really say something significant. Like the previous post--probably it would have been enormously better and fantastically clearer had I embraced vulnerability and shared my situation. But I didn't want to. Because right now, I'm just not willing to be vulnerable. I don't want to share my life right now. Honestly, my heart has been broken, and I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep until the pain goes away completely and I can carry on with life as before...but I cannot do that. I am well aware of that fact. So I will keep going, with pain in my heart, knowing that healing takes time, that it is a process and that I am currently walking out that process. Some days are better than others. Some days are just hard. But I press on. I have to.  And to do so, I consider Him, who for the joy that was set before Him (me and you), endured the cross, scorned its shame, and sat down at the right hand of God. I fix my eyes on the Author and the Perfecter of my faith, and like Paul I say I will forget what is behind, and I will strain toward what is ahead to win the prize--Jesus Christ. This is, after all, just a momentary light affliction working in me to eternal weight of glory. And I know, on the Day I see His face, it's going to be worth it all. He is going to be worth it all. Is that vulnerable enough? Doubtful, but that's all you're gonna get.

I Am Not Alone

Louisa May Alcott

L.M. Montgomery
 

I have a friend from my beloved country who is probably the cleverest woman I know. She once shared with me stories of her former relationships, one with a writer and radio announcer who often shared their personal dealings with his audience, which quite obviously upset her. But honestly, although I would never do that, I kind of understand it. I think about relationships more than anything else, the dynamics between people, their individual personalities and what makes people do and say certain things. I am fascinated by people who I just cannot quite figure out, and the more I cannot figure something out,  the more I think about it, analyze it, and try and try to reconcile it in my head. It’s like a puzzle that drives me crazy until all the pieces are in place. And part of the process for me includes writing about it, writings which I mostly keep to myself. But sometimes I feel like sharing.

Well, for a while now I’ve been thinking about some specific things, relational dealings I suppose you could call them, over and over and over again because they just have not made sense to me. Fortunately, I have some wise people in my life, one of whom introduced me to a different perspective of this situation that was constantly rolling around in my mind. I think this conversation was the key that unlocked the entire scenario to me, and I have so much more clarity on it now.

 

There’s a scene in one of my favorite movies, You’ve Got Mail, in which Meg Ryan is writing to her “friend” discussing how something that happened to her reminded her of something she read in a book, and she asks him, “shouldn’t it be the other way around?” Shouldn’t it be that something you read reminds you of something that happened to you? I don’t know the answer to that, but I have recently had the experience where something I read in a book reminded me of something that happened to me. Actually, there were two books that reminded me of this certain situation: Little Women by Louisa May Alcott and Anne of the Island by L.M. Montgomery. Since I’ve gotten clarity about this scenario, I have been better able to look at it, and I find, I am not alone! I have never been in this situation before, but it appears I am not the first to experience it! Of course I didn’t think I was, but when you’re in something you’ve never been in before and you don’t know what is going on or how to navigate the situation, you never think that maybe someone else has had an experience like this. But once you understand what is going on, you realize, this whole thing is as old as time. Ok, maybe not quite that old, but seriously, this is a classic scenario.

My situation, well, I’m not going to share it with you—it is far too personal—but it is similar to those faced by both Jo March and Anne Shirley. What strikes me though is that people wrote this, the situation I've been through and the emotions that followed. For days I have been comparing my situation to one of Jo's. I used to watch the movie and wonder why she was so upset at a certain point. Now I understand. L.M. Montgomery wrote, almost a century ago, exactly what I have experienced, what I thought, what I felt. And yes, it is in the form of fiction, but to write such truth, she must have experienced it. (In fact, looking at her biography, it seems she probably did.).

So I realize that there is nothing new under the sun! Thank you Solomon. Why should I ever think that I am in a situation completely new or foreign just because I have never experienced it before? No, there are people around me, older and wiser, who have experiences from which I can learn. And if not them, well, I can obviously find a book about it somewhere. And whether or not I can glean wisdom from people or books or anything else, I realize there is nothing I can experience that has not already been experienced, and it is simply comforting to realize that I am not alone in this.