That’s what the Lord told me two weeks ago.
Which battle? Well, actually, a battle I
didn’t realize I was still fighting. You know that post I wrote in September entitled An Encounter With Grief. Yeah, it’s that battle. (Long time ago, no?)
One of the most surprising things about this battle is how
long I have been fighting it and not even been aware that it has been
lingering. It has gotten easier since that original post. Significantly easier.
Over time. But it’s hung on until now.
With a new year and a new job in a new country, I thought
the old was gone. I will admit that I have had some hard days in the past
four months, days that, just out of the blue I would feel more melancholy and
on the verge of tears (some unexpectedly escaping at times). Despite the
seemingly random days that were slightly more difficult, however, I thought I was
finished with this fight. I didn't even realize, though, that I was still on the battlefield.
I have been standing here almost a year, which I know is nothing compared to the amount of time others spend with their monsters in the arena, but when you don’t know you’re still there, you don’t expect to have to keep your sword poised to fight. For me, I lowered my arm several times and started to walk away, tired and thinking I was done. But the monster kept coming back, weakened but still waging war. And every time, I was surprised. I had expected him to fall over, to give up, to quit. However, it wasn’t until the day after Easter that he finally did.
I have been standing here almost a year, which I know is nothing compared to the amount of time others spend with their monsters in the arena, but when you don’t know you’re still there, you don’t expect to have to keep your sword poised to fight. For me, I lowered my arm several times and started to walk away, tired and thinking I was done. But the monster kept coming back, weakened but still waging war. And every time, I was surprised. I had expected him to fall over, to give up, to quit. However, it wasn’t until the day after Easter that he finally did.
And now? Now I have wounds to tend to, healing that still
needs to take place, some minor scratches, some deeper gashes that I recognize
will take more time to heal. Fortunately, my Physician is the Repairer of
Broken Things and He can, and I believe will, touch my heart and bring the
healing and restoration that I need. But He has declared that my battle is
finished, and that is the best news I could possibly receive. I will take the
time I need to allow my heart to heal; I will have grace for myself in the
process (because it is a process!). And even though it’s possible that a piece
of my heart will always be missing, I take pride in the fact that I loved
deeply (deeper than I was aware) and I have the scars to prove it.
My current theme song: Sweet Surrender by Philippa Hannah
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