Vulnerability

To write well, I think vulnerability is required, at least if one wants to write effectively, to make an impact, to really say something significant. Like the previous post--probably it would have been enormously better and fantastically clearer had I embraced vulnerability and shared my situation. But I didn't want to. Because right now, I'm just not willing to be vulnerable. I don't want to share my life right now. Honestly, my heart has been broken, and I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep until the pain goes away completely and I can carry on with life as before...but I cannot do that. I am well aware of that fact. So I will keep going, with pain in my heart, knowing that healing takes time, that it is a process and that I am currently walking out that process. Some days are better than others. Some days are just hard. But I press on. I have to.  And to do so, I consider Him, who for the joy that was set before Him (me and you), endured the cross, scorned its shame, and sat down at the right hand of God. I fix my eyes on the Author and the Perfecter of my faith, and like Paul I say I will forget what is behind, and I will strain toward what is ahead to win the prize--Jesus Christ. This is, after all, just a momentary light affliction working in me to eternal weight of glory. And I know, on the Day I see His face, it's going to be worth it all. He is going to be worth it all. Is that vulnerable enough? Doubtful, but that's all you're gonna get.

I Am Not Alone

Louisa May Alcott

L.M. Montgomery
 

I have a friend from my beloved country who is probably the cleverest woman I know. She once shared with me stories of her former relationships, one with a writer and radio announcer who often shared their personal dealings with his audience, which quite obviously upset her. But honestly, although I would never do that, I kind of understand it. I think about relationships more than anything else, the dynamics between people, their individual personalities and what makes people do and say certain things. I am fascinated by people who I just cannot quite figure out, and the more I cannot figure something out,  the more I think about it, analyze it, and try and try to reconcile it in my head. It’s like a puzzle that drives me crazy until all the pieces are in place. And part of the process for me includes writing about it, writings which I mostly keep to myself. But sometimes I feel like sharing.

Well, for a while now I’ve been thinking about some specific things, relational dealings I suppose you could call them, over and over and over again because they just have not made sense to me. Fortunately, I have some wise people in my life, one of whom introduced me to a different perspective of this situation that was constantly rolling around in my mind. I think this conversation was the key that unlocked the entire scenario to me, and I have so much more clarity on it now.

 

There’s a scene in one of my favorite movies, You’ve Got Mail, in which Meg Ryan is writing to her “friend” discussing how something that happened to her reminded her of something she read in a book, and she asks him, “shouldn’t it be the other way around?” Shouldn’t it be that something you read reminds you of something that happened to you? I don’t know the answer to that, but I have recently had the experience where something I read in a book reminded me of something that happened to me. Actually, there were two books that reminded me of this certain situation: Little Women by Louisa May Alcott and Anne of the Island by L.M. Montgomery. Since I’ve gotten clarity about this scenario, I have been better able to look at it, and I find, I am not alone! I have never been in this situation before, but it appears I am not the first to experience it! Of course I didn’t think I was, but when you’re in something you’ve never been in before and you don’t know what is going on or how to navigate the situation, you never think that maybe someone else has had an experience like this. But once you understand what is going on, you realize, this whole thing is as old as time. Ok, maybe not quite that old, but seriously, this is a classic scenario.

My situation, well, I’m not going to share it with you—it is far too personal—but it is similar to those faced by both Jo March and Anne Shirley. What strikes me though is that people wrote this, the situation I've been through and the emotions that followed. For days I have been comparing my situation to one of Jo's. I used to watch the movie and wonder why she was so upset at a certain point. Now I understand. L.M. Montgomery wrote, almost a century ago, exactly what I have experienced, what I thought, what I felt. And yes, it is in the form of fiction, but to write such truth, she must have experienced it. (In fact, looking at her biography, it seems she probably did.).

So I realize that there is nothing new under the sun! Thank you Solomon. Why should I ever think that I am in a situation completely new or foreign just because I have never experienced it before? No, there are people around me, older and wiser, who have experiences from which I can learn. And if not them, well, I can obviously find a book about it somewhere. And whether or not I can glean wisdom from people or books or anything else, I realize there is nothing I can experience that has not already been experienced, and it is simply comforting to realize that I am not alone in this.

No More Marriage

This may be strange, but this is what I’ve been thinking about lately. Most people my age who are single long for the day when they get to get married, and although I’ve been in that place and completely understand what it is like to be in that place, I don’t long for that day. Don’t get me wrong, if the Lord decides to bless me with a partner who I enjoy and I get to work with and walk through life with, fantastic; I will take it and thank Him every day. But that’s not the longing of my heart.

Jesus is the longing of my heart and to be with Him where He is, is what I want more than anything else.

However, there is something else I am looking forward to as well as seeing His face. Not the day of my marriage, but the Day when there is no more marriage. Yeah, I’m weird, I know.

No, here it is. Both my best friend and I have, in the past, found ourselves in situations where we have good guy friends. These are guys we have spent a lot of time with, talking to, hanging out with, cooking with, going places with. They are just friends (at least in our eyes), that’s all we want from them, and we truly value their friendship. Then, the guy becomes interested in a girl, inevitably begins thinking about a relationship with her, including the possibility of marriage, and everything changes. And that is the struggle. We know from that point on our friendships with them will change, and then we have to walk through it. It’s a challenge from the beginning knowing that we will not be able to spend as much time with them or talk with them to the same degree, knowing that the closeness we once shared will no longer be. Yeah, it’s a struggle, but that is the nature of human relationships.

And that makes me excited about heavenly relationships and the Day there is no more marriage.

Honestly, I don’t know what it will be like on that Day, after the last trumpet sounds and the beautiful City comes down out of Heaven. I don’t know what relationships will be like, but I imagine, in a place where we know there is no more sorrow, crying or pain, they will be glorious. When we are completely satisfied in Him, I think our friendships will be so pure and unadulterated, most certainly to a degree that we cannot imagine now. And I can't wait for that. Oh, and also,  I can't wait to have my own mansion, eat all the chocolate I want, and have the ability to translate from place to place in simply a moment. Yeah, I am looking forward to all of that!

The Blessing of Halloween--Whaaaat??

 

              Some Christians enjoy Halloween, some don't. Say what you will about the day, but as I walked around the town I currently live in this evening, a strange town at that, I noticed something interesting. This “holiday,” technically All Saints Day eve, has managed to do something that the Church has not been able to, at least not here. This historic Southern city which sits quite nicely upon a pleasant bay, has a population consisting of upper-middle class white people and lower class black people. And they don't mix. After being in this town just a few days, I had quickly figured out which streets were which—which were white, which were black, and which one was both. Because, like I said, these two just don’t mix.

                Earlier this week I had an interesting discussion with the woman who comes twice a month to clean the house I currently live in. By the way, she’s white, as am I. We both grew up with black friends, and for me, Hispanic and Asian as well, and we have both found the distinct racial separation in this city disturbing. As we were talking I made a comment about how I noticed these two people groups don’t really integrate here. She responded, saying that the black people in this area will rarely look at the white people as they pass them on the sidewalks. And they almost never say hello. I noticed this too. And I don’t like it.

For the most part, the white stay in their nice houses. The black stay in their neck of the woods. And just like hot and cold water faucets in England, the two just never come together. The reason I don’t like it is that both people groups, the white and the black, are missing out on something the other has to give. I’m not even going to mention that sometimes white people (especially women) are quite frankly afraid of black people (mostly men)—oh wait, I just said that—but I believe there are lines that haven’t been crossed because of fear of the unknown. The African American culture is very different from the European American culture, and the people in this area have kept themselves to themselves, content with what they know, with what is comfortable for them. And so, in my opinion, they miss out. I think both groups of people have something to give and something to receive, something with which to bless the other and something to learn. But unfortunately, the two groups just don’t normally come together.

Except tonight. Tonight, when it’s all about the kids (and for the kids, it’s all about the candy). It was strange, but delightfully so, to see black people with their super cute little Spidermans and princesses and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Renaissance ladies-in-waiting and even a working traffic light (no joke!) walking down the street mixing with white people sitting out on their porches waiting for them with candy. People were smiling and talking and integrating; this doesn’t usually happen. The older white people, because mostly here they are older, demonstrably enjoyed the lively young ones, who politely approached them with the traditional “Trick or treat!” and the parents of the children were able to meet the pleasant white people who live just a few blocks from them but who they rarely encounter. So whatever your opinions about Halloween, today has positively brought people of different races and economic statuses together, something that even the Church has not been able to accomplish, not in this neighborhood. And from what I have seen, both groups have been uniquely blessed.

Wasting Time

 

Is anybody else tired of wasting time? I know that what I have done and been through in my life has been valuable and it was all allowed and used by the Lord. But sometimes, I really feel I could be more effective for the Kingdom. I have to be careful about who I say that to though because there are people who would get offended by that comment. Mostly they are people who know that they too could be more effective for the Kingdom, but they enjoy their lives and don’t want to think about it too much. So, I try to keep it quiet. But I will tell you, I want to do more. And I’m going to. The Lord is opening doors for me to go and do and I am excited about that. But sometimes, I look around and see people with large callings on their lives just…sitting….wasting time…allowing society and our western culture to numb them to what God has called them to. And these are people who know what God has called them to, yet still, they just sit…waiting for…what? I don’t know.

As I seek the Lord in this season of rest, which it currently is for me (and let me tell you, seasons of rest are absolutely necessary in the Kingdom), I increasingly feel like a race horse standing at the starting gate, waiting for the door to open so I can bolt out. I’m ready to run. And I am reminded of two things. The first is Keith Green. Most people younger than me have no idea who he is. But he was a prophetic Christian leader and songwriter who I believe truly impacted the Kingdom. (Don’t believe me? Read his biography) But you know what? He was a Christian less than 10 years before the Lord took him home. His wife said that he always had a sense of urgency about him, as if he knew his time was short. And it was. At the age of 28 he and two of his young children died in a plane crash in Texas. But while he lived, he made a difference.

The other thing I am reminded of is an encounter a man named Mike Bickle had with the Lord once when he was a young man in his early 20’s. He was a Christian preacher during this time, trying his best to be what he thought he was supposed to be, doing what he thought he was supposed to be doing, trying to read the Word, forcing himself to pray, but mostly just going to Church meetings, planning this, that and the other.  But in this encounter, he stood before the Lord as if it was the end of his life and the Lord said to him, “You’re saved, but your life was wasted.” I’ve heard Mike tell this story and still the sense of regret he had at these words is so tangible to him, even 35 years later. This encounter drastically changed his life and his story convicted me when I heard it. I may not know much, but I know one thing, I don’t want to waste my life.

So I will go. My desire is to do the will of my Father in Heaven and to accomplish every purpose He has for my life. Whatever that means.  I want to join Paul in saying that I desire to know Him and the power of His resurrection and share with Him in the fellowship of His sufferings. And I will look to that Day, the Day I see His face knowing that everything I have gone through on this earth, every trial, every ounce of suffering is made worthwhile, because He is worth it all. But in the meantime, I get to partner with Him in the glorious work He is doing on this earth. What a privilege! The Creator of the universe has invited me to work with Him! Which means I have to get on with my Father’s business! Because whether I have 50 years left or not, my time is short and I refuse to waste it.

 

 

God Most High

Stir a fire in us

With Your power inside

We won't waste our lives

 

God Most High

Strong and mighty in us

Be our passion, our prize

We won't waste our lives



Sun Stand Still (Elevation Worship)

 

Ladies, Don't Settle

Watch this: I Will Wait For You

BY JANETTE IKZ

So it seemed that it was cool, for everyone to be in a relationship but me.
So I took matters into my own hands, and ended up with him,
him who displayed the characteristics of a cheater, a liar, an abuser, & a thief.

So why was I surprised when he broke into my heart?
I called 911, but I was cardiac arrested for aiding and abetting,
Cause it was me who let him in…
Claiming we were “just friends”.
It was already decided for me by the first date, that even if he wasn’t!
I was gonna make him “The one.”
You know, I was tired of being alone.
And I simply made up in my mind, that it was about that time,

So I decided to drag him along for the ride,
Cause I was always the bridesmaid & never the bride.
A virgin in the physical, but mentally just a grown woman on the corner in heat
Who was tired of the wait!
So I was gonna make him “The one.”
He had a… form of Godliness… but not much.
But hey, hey I can change him! So I’ll TAKE him, I mean he’s close… enough.
Ready to sell my aorta for a quarter, not knowing the value of its use to me.
Arteries so clogged with my will, it blocked His will from flowing through me.
So, I thank Christ that His blood pressure gave this heart an attack,
That flat-lined my obscured vision, put me flat on my back
Through my ignorance He saw,
Through my sternum He sawed & cracked open my chest
To transplant Psalm 51:10
A new heart & a renewed right spirit within!

So now I fully understand,
Better yet I thoroughly comprehend,
How much I need to wait… for you.
See, the bad thing is that I knew he wasn’t you from the beginning..
Cause in the beginning was the Word
And he didn’t even sound or shine like Your Son
Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks,
And all he could whisper was sweet, empty nothings –
Which meant NOTHING.
He couldn’t even pray what I needed him to,
Asking him to fast would be absurd!
So forget about being cleansed & washed with water through the Word…
But I know you..
You were already praying for me.
Even never having met me,
Let me assure you, I will wait for you.

I will no longer date, socialize or communicate with carbon copies of you
To appease my boredom or to quench my thirstiness I have for attention
And short-lived compliments from ‘sorta kindas’.
You know….
He ‘sort kinda’ right, but ‘sorta kinda’ wrong?
His first name LUKE,
His last name WARM.
I won’t settle for false companionship
I won’t lay in the embrace of his arms,
Attempting to find some closeness,
But never feeling so far apart cause, I just wanna be held
Cause ”all I gotta do is Say” No!
No more ‘almost sessions’ of ‘almost coming close’
Passing winks & buying drinks,
I’ma, I’ma, I’ma flirt!
Who flirts with the ideology of,
‘Can you just tell me how much I can get away with & still be saved?’
NO more.
I’ll stay in my bed alone, and write poems, about how I will wait for you.
He won’t even come close,
Our fingers won’t even interlock
We won’t even exchange breath
Cause I have thoughts that I’ve ‘saved as’ in a file that God has only equipped you to open.

I will no longer get weighted down,
From so-called friends & family talks,
About the concern for my biological clock
When I serve the Author of Time.
Who is NOT subject to time,
But I’M subject to Him,
He has the ability to STOP, FAST FORWARD, PAUSE, or REWIND at any given time…

So if we could role play,
You would be Abraham & I would be Sarah
Or you could be Isaac & I can be Rebecca – a servant’s answer to prayer
I am bone of your bone, flesh of your flesh,
Made up of your rib Adam!
And once we meet, like electrons
I will be bound to your nucleus, completely indivisible atom.
We even speak the same math: 1 + 1 + 1 = 3, which really equals 1 if you add ‘em.
We were all created in His image,
But you have the ability to reflect, project & even detect the Son.
If I were to explain what you looked like,
You would have to look like a star,
A son of the Son..
I would gain energy simply from the light that you shine on me.
I would need you , in order to complete my photosynthesis
I await your revelation, but once again from the genesis, I will wait for you.

And I will know you… because when you speak I will be reminded of Solomon’s wisdom,
Your ability to lead will remind me of Moses,
Your faith will remind me of Abraham,
Your confidence in God’s Word will remind me of Daniel,
Your inspiration will remind me of Paul,
Your heart for God will remind me of David,
Your attention to detail will remind me of Noah,
Your integrity will remind me of Joseph,
And your ability to abandon your own will, will remind me of the disciples,
But your ability to love selflessly & unconditionally will remind me of Christ.
But I won’t need to identify you by any special Matthews or any special Marks,
Cause His word will be tatted all over your heart.

And you will know me, and you will find me,
Where… the boldness of Esther meets the warm closeness of Ruth.
Where the hospitality of Lydia is aligned with the submission of Mary,
Which is engulfed in the tears of a praying Hannah.
I will be the one, drenched in Proverbs 31… waiting for you.

But to my Father, my Father who has known me before I was birthed into this earth
Only if You should see fit…
I desire Your will above mine,
So even if You call me to a life of singleness,
My heart is content with YOU – the One who was sent.
YOU are the greatest love story ever told,
The greatest love ever known
You are forever my judge & I’m forever Your witness
And I pray that I’m always found on a mission about my Father’s business
Oh, I will always be Yours!
And I will always wait for You Lord, more than the watchmen wait for the morning,
More than the watchmen wait for the morning…

I will wait.

Be Here

One thing the Lord has been speaking to me over and over again in this season is a simple two word command: “Be here.” I am part of a generation that has gotten itself sucked into something our grandfathers would have never imagined and I believe, would have abhorred. It’s the propensity to not be where we are. And unfortunately, that is enabled by the very thing that lies next to our heads every night, the very thing that travels with us everywhere we go, the very thing that is always at our fingertips—our phones. I am not condemning phones or the advantages they provide. The communication available through phones is quite frankly phenomenal. However, I have been in so many situations, sitting in a room full of friends, going out to dinner with my family, and what am I doing? I am existing in another realm, completely oblivious to what is going on around me, and texting someone thousands of miles away, who I could probably text later when I’m not in a room full of friends or out with my family. I am not “here,” I am “there.” And that, I believe, is not the Lord’s heart.

When we do this not only is it incredibly rude and boring for the people we are with who are being considerate and not texting someone somewhere else (If you do this, don’t think I’m condemning you, we have all done it…a lot…), but it steals from us. We miss out on the very people the Lord has put in our lives at this precise moment in time. There is a reason you are where you are. There is a reason you are with the people you are with. I read once (I think in this book) that there is no one you cannot learn something from, and I think it’s true. But how can we learn from people we ignore, preferring instead to communicate only with the people we choose to communicate with, those on the other ends of our phones?  

Part of “being here,” is recognizing the gift of where you are. That means recognizing that you are where you are at the moment you are because the Lord has something for you in it. And you will probably miss it if your head is buried in your phone. Part of “being here,” is being grateful for where you are. If you recognize that it is a gift to be where you are, wherever you are and with whomever you are, you will be grateful for it. If you spend your hours existing in another realm, investing more in what is on your phone (or on the other side of your phone) than in the people around you, you are missing out, my friend. I want to learn from people, I want to bless people, I want to be challenged by people, I want to enjoy people. And the people the Lord has put me with at this time are the ones He wants to use right now for those purposes.

I’m not saying don’t invest in friendships with people you can only communicate with through technology. I have a lot of friendships like that, and I am so thankful for technology that allows me to keep in contact with those friends because I’m not willing to let those friendships go. But I am saying, don’t sacrifice the relationships with the people in the same room as you to do it. I believe relationships are eternal and that one day we will be held accountable for how we have handled them. Let’s get the balance right and invest the best way possible.